PLANET UNERVA PRIME
== REPORT ==
Units of the 101st and ½ Ultramarines received intel that the elements of the Crimson Fists were planning a raid on the Emperor’s own and most holy 10,000 year old Wine Cellar. Since no Communication with Chapter Master Pedro Kantor could be established, these rumors were assumed to be true. Reports of several marine tanks in the area belonging to the Salamanders had been stolen by units of the Crimson Fists.
The Emperor’s Most Holy and Sanctified Chapter Master, Peyton Manning was ordered to wipe out these Heretics, before they can defile the sanctity of the Emperor’s Wine Cellar. They are to be treated as traitors, the same as Chaos, and purged before they can sample any of the bottles of 10,000 year old wine or rather vinegar.
The Ultramarines, were quick to organize a defensive perimeter around the Sacred Wine Cellars, 3 were immediately captured and defended, but 3 more were in the lowly Crimson Fist hands. There was no hesitation, the Ultramarines, through Millennia of battle experience, advanced on these cowardly dogs. Even knowing how the Crimson Fist’s had defended Wrynn’s world, from the green menace, they did not falter in their battle plan: use light blue stuff to kill dark blue stuff. The first shot was fired at and advancing crimson fist rhino, hell bent on making its way deep into Ultamarine ranks. The Ultramarine predator tank, powered up its massive twin linked Lazcannons and fired a tremendous beam of energy at the vulnerable rhino, lighting up the area in a glow so bright that many small animals in the area would never see again. The massive awe inspiring beam made its way to the rhino instantly vaporizing the any insects that happened to be in its way, it hit it’s mark! Sadly for the Crimson Fists, the rhino was struck by a direct hit to its main weapon…a dreaded storm bolter! Loss of such a weapon, knocked a serious blow to the Crimson Fists. With this weapon gone, the Crimson Fists had no choice but to turn and run for cover, using the chief tactic of their chapter…’la Cucaracha’, the dreaded cockroach maneuver. Using the First building they could see like a giant refrigerator, they quickly made a dash for the protective shield that it offered.
Suddenly to the Ultramarines total surprise, a Librarian gated with a unit of sternguard veterans in the middle of 3 rhino’s and the predator tank. Blinded by revenge for the stricken down storm bolter, a single sterngaurd managed to use his Swiss army combo meltagun, bolter, and nail filer to strike the offending predator tank, and strike it in its most vulnerable spot, right between its two treads, immobilizing it. This victory was short lived and the librarian and his sternguard looked around and saw that they were surrounded by a wall of armor. I wish I could tell you that the librarian and his sternguard fought the good fight, and the Ultrmarines let them be. I wish I could tell you that, but combat is no fairy-tale world and the Ultramines kept at them. A whole tactical and sternguard squad of Ultramarines, disembarked and spayed the Crimson Fists with bolter and poison tipped rounds, that they would normally use on lesser creatures such as Tyranids. The librarian and his squad had no choice but to take these in the face. After all was fired, what few remained were covered from head to toe in the blood of their brethren. A shaking cowardly librarian, and two equally shaken surviving sternguard, quickly used chapter tactics and made a mad dash to the nearest building, where inside they were met with cold hard, reality…they were going to die in armor that was now filled almost entirely with urine. The Ultramarines quickly poured in to the building, made short work of these traitors, when they noticed that every shot that they had made into their foes armor sprang forth streams of steaming liquid. To their horror, they almost immediately realized what it was that they were smelling…asparagus, and lots of it!
Witnessing their brethren turned to a pink mist, and then to be disgraced by being turning the rest into water fountains, a lone tactical squad disembarked the rhino that was missing its most sacred storm bolter, and opened fire on the rhino containing the Ultramarines Chapter Master, and Vince Lombardi Trophy winner, Peyton Manning. The lone meltagun attack immobilized the rhino, and at once the marines charged the rhino, like so many screaming preteen girls to a Miley Cyrus concert. Finding that trying to tip over a rhino is not easily accomplished, the lone sergeant used his powerfist to open the door, but instead hit the fuel cell and caused the tank to internally emit a toxic gas, ejecting the chapter master, and 3 of his squad. With the other exits blocked, the rest of the squad succumbed to the deadly toxin. The Crimson Fists again celebrated too fast as then the rest of the Ultramarines performed there patented move the ‘bukaki crunch’, fisting forth 24 marines on the 10 unsuspecting fists. This would mark the end of the Crimson Fists…
When they reached the base from which the lowly, cowardly Crimson Fist traitorous dogs, they found the place littered with sleeping and passed out marines!?!? They found amongst them, none other than Pedro Kantor, sleeping with a sombrero, and a bottle of Tequila next to him. When woken and questioned out of his state, which he referred to as a ‘siesta’. He was able to account for all his marines, but not for their armor. It was found that the Crimson Fists always celebrate the 5th of May, and that local teenager’s stole their power armor and tank jacked the Salamander’s rhinos for a Beer Run. The librarian was found to be no more than a mere student, one that had only passing knowledge of the Dewey Decimal system. Several Ultramarines reported later that the Crimson Fists they fought did seem to be waving their arms instead of fighting, and that they could have been flagging down the chapter master and not trying to tip the tank. Further investigation found that most of the Ultra Marine casualties in the command tank, were a result of an lone Ultramarine that attended the may 5th party the night before with the Crimson Fists and engaged too many burritos.
Written By Dennis Griffin
